Astro Star Cafe
[for the purpose of this review, please pretend it's formatted as a proper screenplay.]
Meeting at the death star
Inside a large, 20-sided room with tasteful but muted lighting.
The room has a long, horse-shoe shaped table in it. At the most rounded side of the horse-shoe stands DARTH VADER, obviously pissed off. The 10 or so aides available are huddled towards the legs of the horse-shoe shape
DARTH VADER
What is this nonsense? A cafe? In an insignificant little borough of London? Why are you wasting my time with this?
TALL AIDE WITH RED HAT
I'm really sorry, Emperor, I...
DARTH VADER (screaming)
Sorry nothing! I want answers! Guards, kill him!
The guards shoot the TALL AIDE WITH RED HAT who was addressing DARTH VADER
DARTH VADER
Now, some fucking answers, please? Why are you wasting my time with this? Out with it, you knaves
SHORT AIDE WITH BLUE HAT
The people of London held a competition, sire
DARTH VADER
What does that have to do with me? Seriously, if you don't rapidly start making sense, I'm going to kill every one of you with my bare hands
Nervous aide without hat
The thing is, sire, the competition was to get yourself to name a cafe
DARTH VADER
A... CAFE? What in the bloody hell...
DARTH VADER is shaking with rage and incomprehension
SHORT AIDE WITH BLUE HAT
Well, it's a very nice cafe
DARTH VADER
I don't give a flying monkey's testicle if it's the nicest cafe that ever walked the earth
NERVOUS AIDE WITHOUT HAT
Cafe's don't walk the earth, sir
DARTH VADER shoots a stare at the NERVOUS AIDE, who immediately shrinks away, realising the mistake in back-talking to the master of the known universe
DARTH VADER
How did they win this competition, anyway?
SHORT AIDE WITH BLUE HAT
Well, I believe it was..
The SHORT AIDE WITH BLUE HAT's explanation trails off illegibly
DARTH VADER
WHAT?!
NERVOUS AIDE WITHOUT HAT
He said it was a colouring-in competition, sir.
DARTH VADER
And this prize winner won first prize, did he?
SHORT AIDE WITH BLUE HAT
Well, actually, he won second prize. First prize would get their name chosen by Jeremy Paxman
DARTH VADER
So... I am second prize?
SHORT AIDE WITH BLUE HAT
Er, yes, sir.
DARTH VADER
Hm. Look at my face. I know I'm wearing a helmet, and that you can't see my face, but this is my unimpressed face. Mark it, and mark it well, you knaves. When you see this face, you're seconds away from death.
DARTH VADER pauses briefly
DARTH VADER
But I can't argue with a colouring-in contest. I love them. So, what do I need to do?
NERVOUS AIDE WITHOUT HAT
We need you to give the cafe a name, sire.
DARTH VADER
What kind of a cafe is it?
SHORT AIDE WITH BLUE HAT
Well, they do breakfast, various teas and coffees, and the food isn't too bad.
DARTH VADER
How does it compare to the Death Star cafeteria?
NERVOUS AIDE WITHOUT HAT
I reckon it's about the same, sire. The Tomatoes are well cooked, the sausages are lovely, the place is pretty clean. The mushrooms are nothing to write home about though. You can do much worse, though.
DARTH VADER points at AIDE WITH A NOTE PAD
DARTH VADER
You! Remind me to do something about the mushroom situation in the Deathstar cafetaria!
AIDE WITH A NOTE PAD
Ok, sire.
DARTH VADER
As for this cafe
DARTH VADER starts pacing the end of the room
DARTH VADER
I will call it the Astro Star Cafe.
NERVOUS AIDE WITHOUT HAT
A wise choice, sir.
DARTH VADER
I know. I only make wise choices. Now let's destroy that puny little planet of theirs.
DARTH VADER mutters something about 'second prize' under his breath, turns around, and stomps out of the board room.